The Good, The Bad, and the Random

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of pure satire. It is not intended to offend, but it very well may. 

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My fellow Americans: the time has come. We can no longer sit on the sidelines as we watch our glorious nation crash and burn, piloted by Straight America. I have used up every iota of my patience and understanding. I have tolerated them, allowed my children to attend school with them, shared a church pew with them, and waited in line at the post office with them (before realizing that we were queuing in front of an empty lot where a post office used to be.) I am a patient, open-minded human being. While I have always tolerated them…I cannot accept them and the lifestyle choices they make. 


In an effort akin to fostering the Hitler Youth, Straight America is brainwashing our children. Our media is saturated with heterosexuals—you literally cannot turn on your television or computer without being bombarded by Straight Americans and their ideologies. Should you browse iTunes, turn on Pandora, or sift through your extensive LimeWire downloads folder, you simply cannot escape the barrage of heterosexual love songs. Even in Katy Perry’s seemingly family-friendly “I Kissed a Girl” there is mention of a boyfriend—and I simply will not tolerate such filth entering the ears of my impressionable children. While my family and I try to enjoy a wholesome rerun of Will & Grace, we cannot escape the hauntingly accurate, unsettling portrayal of straight culture. The last thing we need is our little girl growing fond of—and slowly turning into—an alcoholic, gold-digging Karen Walker. I even have a guilty conscience letting my kids watch the occasional episode of Glee. I hope the producers pay Jane Lynch a hefty salary to portray a straight woman; I honestly don’t know how she and her wife are able to sleep peacefully at night. If we glorify Straight America through such means, our young people will feel that it’s acceptable to be straight. It’s already happening. Scores of young Americans are making the decision to become heterosexual. The media is a major problem, but it’s working in tandem with our education system to encourage this behavior.


       Classrooms across America are succumbing to the Straight Agenda. Children in kindergarten are being exposed to opposite-sex relationships, and it makes my skin crawl to think of the consequences. If you allow 5-year-olds to gain knowledge that a man and woman can potentially have a relationship, the conversation inherently unfolds into horribly inappropriate territory. I can already hear the ensuing monologue of an uncomfortable kindergarten teacher: “See Dick and Jane run! What’s that, Little Billy? Why are Dick and Jane running together? Well…Dick and Jane are heterosexuals. What are heterosexuals? Well…When I say that Dick and Jane are heterosexuals, it means that they are more than just friends. It means that, depending on how many vodka shots Jane has had, Dick will put his penis inside Jane’s vagina. And then take it out. And put it back in again. And then take it out. And then…” And suddenly you have an educator, living off our tax-payer dollars, creating improvised erotica in front of small children. That is the slippery slope we are on. Children must be sheltered from the idea of straight relationships. The concept will leave them confused and demanding answers from their blushing, embarrassed same-sex parents. Sadly, for some, it’s too late. Not only is this making the mothers of our nation weep, it’s also making those mothers into grandmothers at an exponential rate.  


Putting aside the issue of the unsustainable overpopulation of our planet, let us narrow our focus for a moment: America has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in the entire world. We spend $9 billion on dealing with the consequences of teen pregnancy every year in this country. It is a scientific, proven fact that heterosexuality is the main cause for this epidemic. Arizona’s recent legislation on allowing religious employers to refuse birth control as a health benefit to their female employees is, in my eyes, a highly admirable move in this day and age. Arizona’s doing something right. I would argue, however, that this law needs to be extended to non-religious businesses as well. Women should not be on birth control, because women should not be having heterosexual sex in the first place. Pro-straight organizations like Planned Parenthood are destroying our country by supporting opposite-sex unions and giving them vital family-planning advice and services. When heterosexuals have the resources they need to properly raise a heterosexual family, it means that fewer mothers choose to give up their children to normal, non-procreative families like mine. Heterosexual pregnancy, teen or otherwise, is a problem too expansive to ever fully eliminate—I certainly recognize that. Still, the children created from these unholy trysts need to wind up in loving same-sex homes. If they continue to be raised by heterosexuals, propped up by the Straight Agenda advocates of this nation, these children will surely grow into heterosexual adults themselves. And the cycle continues. 


I have some startling, first-hand experience with heterosexuals. Our neighbor is a straight. We were quite wary when she moved in; we worried about the effect she might have on our peaceful neighborhood dynamic. She lives on welfare—off our hard-earned tax dollars—raising children from various fathers who are no longer in the picture. She has been married three times, divorced three times, and currently has a list of various suitors calling on her day and night. I often wish we could adopt her poor children; save them from witnessing such reckless behavior. In the past, I have done my best to be respectful of the straights…but with each day that passes, I grow more and more disillusioned. My wife and I have been together for 22 long years, and finally were able to marry when Vermont legalized same-sex marriage in 2009. I can’t help but feel that our neighbor’s heterosexual marriages (plural!) cheapen the loving union my partner and I have. It is meant to be the joining of two loving, committed human beings who intend to support each other and, potentially, a family. If most straights could maintain a healthy marriage—instead of a national 50% divorce rate—I might be swayed to support their rights. But it breaks my heart to see heterosexual people do nothing but demolish the sanctity of this institution. 24-hour marriages, one-night stands, prostitution, children out of wedlock, women using men for their money, men using women for sex. Those pushing the Straight Agenda will have you believe these are all horrible stereotypes. But, I assure you, these stereotypes are based on cold, hard facts. One of Straight America’s most vocal supporters, Rush Limbaugh, has been married four times. Four. Times. If straights insist on treating marriage with such disregard, I propose we take this benefit away from them, especially in cases where children are being birthed into unstable unions. Perhaps it should be a right only reserved for non-procreative heteros, such as infertile couples or post-menopausal women. Future legislation aside, I’m sure you’ll agree that, presently, there is no greater offender in ruining the sanctity of marriage than Straight America.


The worst part of the Heterosexual Agenda is the desire of heterosexuals to be treated as superiors. If I want to verbally attack a straight, or even pursue physical assault, the judicial system will invariably side with the heterosexual. (Guess who has all the money and controls our courts? I don’t need to tell you, do I?) For some reason, straights expect special treatment. This is America: land of free speech and the right to bear arms! If I want to berate and proceed to kick the shit out of a heterosexual, or resort to gun violence, it is my constitutional right. Yet I am forced to live in a society where heterosexual sex takes place every night (even next door to me and my family) without any repercussions. It utterly disgusts and horrifies me. What if one of my neighbor’s male lovers finds his way into my home? What if he tries to have straight sex with me or my wife? Or one of my children? Heterosexuals are known rapists and pedophiles. My family and I, as American citizens, should not have to live in this kind of fear. We should have the freedom inherent in our constitution to openly discriminate against the heterosexuals. Sadly, if we voice our opinions or act on our anger and fear, the media (and society at large) will portray us as victimizers, and the straights as victims. What a backwards time we live in, America. 


Love. Tolerance. Acceptance. Turning the other cheek. We must rid our country of these things because they are heterosexual, Christian values. Take a look around, America. Our country—and our world—is run by heterosexuals. This is a damaged, recession-stricken civilization with a foundation that is crumbling beneath us. Read through this brief list of past and present heterosexuals, if you don’t believe me when I say they run our world:


Adolf Hitler, Heinrich Himmler, Dane Cook, Josef Stalin, Saddam Hussein, Mao Tse-tung, Pol Pot, all the members of Nickelback, Osama bin Laden, Charles Manson, Ted Kaczynski, Casey Anthony, Homer Simpson, Fred Phelps, Rod Blagojevich, Sarah Palin, Rebecca Black, Timothy McVeigh, Don Black, Kirk Cameron (speculative), etc. 


At the end of the day, heterosexuality is wrong. It opens the floodgates to all kinds of social deviance that undermines the American way of life. At the tip of the iceberg, it leads to: polygamy, bestiality, necrophilia, mechanophilia, divorce, homelessness, smooth jazz, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, TLC programming, and death. All of these things exist, because we have tolerated opposite-sex relationships in the past. Even Ancient Greeks, the founders of Western Civilization, couldn’t be bothered to take time away from their nude male-on-male wrestling to admonish heterosexuality. 

Wake up, America. 

 Which side of history will YOU be on?

(Source: lightningrodofhate.deviantart.com)